Chilli Hot!

Babs Crusty Butt Chilli

Ingredients

2llbs Stewing Beef
One Glug of Olive Oil
1 Onion
2 Clove Garlic
2 Tbspns Chilli Powder
1 Tbspns Red Chilli Flake
1 Tbspns Cayanne Pepper
2 Tbspns Cumin
1 Red Pepper (diced)
2 Tins of chopped tomatoes
Salt & Pepper
1 Tin of Kidney Beans
1 Handful of Basil

Method

Brown the beef off in the olive oil and add all the ingredients (except the kidney beans)

Simmer for 2 hours.

Add the kidney beans 15 minutes before you serve.

Serve with rice or fucking something. I don't know.

The Hangover - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

We've all been there. 

You awake feeling like your teeth have melted and coated your tongue.

Well here's some shit that might help in the morning. 

The Good

Ingredients: Fresh Strawberries, 2 Bananas, 1 Mango, 1 Red Apple, Grapes, 150ml (or one cup full if you haven’t a fucking clue what 150ml is) of probiotic yoghurt drink, Frozen berries.

You will need: A Blender, Knives, a bowl.

Method: Hull and cut up the strawberries and banana. Skin and dice the mango and apple. De-seed the grapes if necessary and halve. Fuck the lot of them into the bowl.

Take out the blender, make sure it’s clean you little tart! Empty the frozen berries and the probiotic yoghurt drink into the blender and blend until smooth. If there’s pips in the end result, run it through a sieve.

Plop the blended berries and yoghurt on top of the chopped fruit and mix together with a spoon.

It’s not rocket surgery, but when you’re hungover you don’t want to be messing around with too much information right?

The Bad

Ingredients: 4 free-range large eggs, 1 link of pudding, 4 linked sausages, 3 rashers of bacon, 2 tomatoes, 1 tin of Heinz baked beans (has to be Heinz), grated cheese (as much as you want to be honest, but don’t blame me if you get fat) Frozen hash browns.

Method: Cook the hash browns as directed on the bag (do as you’re told you bell end!) and fry or grill the pudding, sausages and rashers. Halve and fry the tomatoes in real butter – none of your shite.

Dice all the cooked ingredients and leave in a bowl beside the pan. Also cook the beans and have close to hand with the grated cheese.

Preparation is key in this instance, especially if you’ve been up boozing like a hobo in an alley.

Beat two of the eggs in a bowl, add a splash (not more) of water and add to a hot oiled pan. Take the pan off the heat and allow the egg to begin to set. As it sets, add the ingredients leaving half the cheese and half the beans out. Once the concoction begins to look like it’s nearly cooked pop it in a pre-heated over at 90-100 (or just hot enough to keep it warm)

Beat two more eggs in a bowl, add to the hot oil pan and cook like before ensuring this does not stick to the pan as this is the lid of your breakfast cake.

Once cooked, remove the base from the oven and slide the lid on top then covering the entire thing with the remainder of the cheese, especially around the edges, pop it back into the oven and allow the cheese to melt – sealing the cake shut, remove from the oven and ‘garnish’ with the remainder of the beans.

Now, there’s two schools of thought on this breakfast cake. You can cut it to share and maybe dish out to anyone who slept on the floor last night or you can eat it yourself. A little warning though, I cooked this for a mate once and after he ate the whole thing, he slept for nearly 18 hours.

The Ugly

This is a time old recipe for a hangover cure that never fails to pick me up. It’s not pretty and it contains booze, so if you’re driving then don’t fucking participate!

Ingredients: 1 shot of tequila (whiskey or vodka will also suffice) 1 tablespoon of Tabasco sauce, 1 egg and one wooden spoon.

Method: Crack the egg into a tall glass, pour in the tequila and Tabasco. Pick up the drink in the right hand and the wooden spoon in the left hand. Drink the cocktail down in one go and as you finish hit yourself in the head with the spoon ten times repeating…

“I AM A MORON, I AM A MORON, I AM A MORON”

It really works!

The Gouger Burnt Anus Curry

A few weeks ago whilst gouging around my kitchen half pissed, I decided a curry would be in order to quench some insatiable sadistic heat fetish I had going on.

This curry is NOT for the faint of heart – however it’s a really fucking tasty dish so if you’re shy about heat in your curries then either scale back on the hot ingredients in this one or make yourself a nice bowl of corned flakes.

Ingredients

Approximately 20 whole red chillies

Cumin seeds (1 tspn)

5 Cloves

Cinnamon

12 peppercorns

¼ Star Anise

1 tspn poppy seeds

½ inch piece of ginger

6 Garlic Cloves

A glug (about 4 tbspoons) cider vinegar

65ml oil

3 Medium onions chopped finely

1.5lb stewing lamb, cubed

Salt

15 curry leaves (or 4 heaped tspns of curry powder)

Ok, the trick it would seem to cooking a decent Indian curry is assembly. So first off, assemble all your spices into a bowl (or if you have a pestle and mortar that’d be the dogs bollocks) and grind them into a paste with the vinegar. This should make a lethal paste that’d burn the scabs off a dead donkey.

Rub SOME of the mixture onto the lamb cubes and allow that to marinate for half an hour.

Fry the onions in the oil for about 15 mins until they turn golden – not black you ingrate.

Add the remainder of your paste and fry for about 5 mins, the import thing to do here is to keep stirring the bastard and add tablespoons of water if you think it’s getting too thick.

Bung in the lamb and cook it for 5 minutes. Add in a pint of water and some salt (to your tastes, I don’t like too much but that’s enough about me) and reduce the heat until the lamb is as tender as old mans bunions. Finally – fuck in the curry leaves (or powder) and allow to simmer for 5mins.

You can use pork or beef with this as well, although I haven’t – so there.

Serve it with naan bread (I buy mine) and some pilau rice and Bob is your Aunties live-in lover!

Swanky Fish and Chips.

Ingredients

2 Fillets of white fish (Cod, Coley, Hake – that kind of shit)

1 Jar of green pesto

4 tbspn olive oil

1 Small bag of rocket

Vine tomatoes (or baby ones)

Salt, Black Pepper, Chilli flakes

3 Large potatoes.

Bacon pieces (lard-ons) or if not – well cut up rashers of bacon.

Right – first off the bat – the chips.

None of your deep frying bollocks or any of that – this is healthy and they taste GREAT. They’ll get a woman wetter than an otters pocket too.

Cut up the potatoes (with a clean knife you caveman) into wedges. Put on a foiled baking tray and drizzle 2 tbspns of olive oil on top. Then salt and black pepper. (I have also added chilli flakes in the past, for some heat)

Stick the tray into a pre-heated over at 180c and leave the fuck alone for 25 mins – check them then and if not done check them every 10mins after that. They should come out crispy enough on the outside, golden in colour thanks to the oil and soft inside. If not, you’ve made a balls of it son.

Empty the lardons or bacon pieces into a pan and fry them up good until crispy enough. Take these off the pan and place on a plate with some kitchen roll on to drain the shite off them.

Cut up the tomatoes and mix them into the rocket – drizzle a little lemon juice and olive oil in there as well sure, you might as well hah?

Take the pan you fried the bacon on and place the white fish on top of it. Cook the fish for 30 seconds on top heat and carefully, CAREFULLY YOU FUCKING IDIOT, turn the fish over. Do the same with the other side then turn off the heat completely. The fish should cook through on the pan as it heats down.

To serve, place the fish in the centre of a clean plate, drizzle the green pesto on top of it and then gently dust the chilli flakes around the plate. This sounds really girly, but as you eat the fish, it picks up the odd bit of heat here and there and it’s fucking champion.

Stick the bacon into the salad and mix, serve on the plate alongside the fish and serve the chips either alongside that, or in a bowl, or whatever, fuck knows right?