The Gouger Burnt Anus Curry

A few weeks ago whilst gouging around my kitchen half pissed, I decided a curry would be in order to quench some insatiable sadistic heat fetish I had going on.

This curry is NOT for the faint of heart – however it’s a really fucking tasty dish so if you’re shy about heat in your curries then either scale back on the hot ingredients in this one or make yourself a nice bowl of corned flakes.

Ingredients

Approximately 20 whole red chillies

Cumin seeds (1 tspn)

5 Cloves

Cinnamon

12 peppercorns

¼ Star Anise

1 tspn poppy seeds

½ inch piece of ginger

6 Garlic Cloves

A glug (about 4 tbspoons) cider vinegar

65ml oil

3 Medium onions chopped finely

1.5lb stewing lamb, cubed

Salt

15 curry leaves (or 4 heaped tspns of curry powder)

Ok, the trick it would seem to cooking a decent Indian curry is assembly. So first off, assemble all your spices into a bowl (or if you have a pestle and mortar that’d be the dogs bollocks) and grind them into a paste with the vinegar. This should make a lethal paste that’d burn the scabs off a dead donkey.

Rub SOME of the mixture onto the lamb cubes and allow that to marinate for half an hour.

Fry the onions in the oil for about 15 mins until they turn golden – not black you ingrate.

Add the remainder of your paste and fry for about 5 mins, the import thing to do here is to keep stirring the bastard and add tablespoons of water if you think it’s getting too thick.

Bung in the lamb and cook it for 5 minutes. Add in a pint of water and some salt (to your tastes, I don’t like too much but that’s enough about me) and reduce the heat until the lamb is as tender as old mans bunions. Finally – fuck in the curry leaves (or powder) and allow to simmer for 5mins.

You can use pork or beef with this as well, although I haven’t – so there.

Serve it with naan bread (I buy mine) and some pilau rice and Bob is your Aunties live-in lover!

Swanky Fish and Chips.

Ingredients

2 Fillets of white fish (Cod, Coley, Hake – that kind of shit)

1 Jar of green pesto

4 tbspn olive oil

1 Small bag of rocket

Vine tomatoes (or baby ones)

Salt, Black Pepper, Chilli flakes

3 Large potatoes.

Bacon pieces (lard-ons) or if not – well cut up rashers of bacon.

Right – first off the bat – the chips.

None of your deep frying bollocks or any of that – this is healthy and they taste GREAT. They’ll get a woman wetter than an otters pocket too.

Cut up the potatoes (with a clean knife you caveman) into wedges. Put on a foiled baking tray and drizzle 2 tbspns of olive oil on top. Then salt and black pepper. (I have also added chilli flakes in the past, for some heat)

Stick the tray into a pre-heated over at 180c and leave the fuck alone for 25 mins – check them then and if not done check them every 10mins after that. They should come out crispy enough on the outside, golden in colour thanks to the oil and soft inside. If not, you’ve made a balls of it son.

Empty the lardons or bacon pieces into a pan and fry them up good until crispy enough. Take these off the pan and place on a plate with some kitchen roll on to drain the shite off them.

Cut up the tomatoes and mix them into the rocket – drizzle a little lemon juice and olive oil in there as well sure, you might as well hah?

Take the pan you fried the bacon on and place the white fish on top of it. Cook the fish for 30 seconds on top heat and carefully, CAREFULLY YOU FUCKING IDIOT, turn the fish over. Do the same with the other side then turn off the heat completely. The fish should cook through on the pan as it heats down.

To serve, place the fish in the centre of a clean plate, drizzle the green pesto on top of it and then gently dust the chilli flakes around the plate. This sounds really girly, but as you eat the fish, it picks up the odd bit of heat here and there and it’s fucking champion.

Stick the bacon into the salad and mix, serve on the plate alongside the fish and serve the chips either alongside that, or in a bowl, or whatever, fuck knows right?